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I don’t know where to start. And I don’t know how to finish it. But I have to make this post, as hard as I know it’ll be for me writing it and for Taiyo’s fans reading it. I know this hurts a lot, and my first impulse was to just ignore the pain until it slowly dies away. But I can’t do that. I don’t want to.

As of November 30, Ayukawa Taiyo has left Johnny’s. His profile was removed from Johnny’s Web (which, btw, also constitutes the definitive end of Ya-Ya-yah, but I didn’t expect them to come back anyway). Taiyo is gone, and he won’t come back.

This is a hard blow. I’ve known Taiyo for 1,390 days, and not a single day has passed since I’ve first seen him where I didn’t think of him, of the beauty of his name, of the mesmerizing radiance of his wonderful smile.

I have this laminated A3 sized poster of Taiyo wearing his 3B uniform. When I heard the news today one of my first thoughts was to take it off the wall and move it to a more prominent place, a place where I could always see it, a place that would make sure I’d never forget his pretty face. But it turned out that there is no better place in my room than the one that is already occupied by this poster of Taiyo. I just have to look up from my PC monitor (which, on an average day, I spend 8 to 10 hours in front of) and there it is. I just have to look up and I’m staring right into Taiyo’s face. This is the first time I actually realize this, but of all the dozens of Johnny’s boys’ eyes that stare at me from the walls of my room, Taiyo’s eyes are the ones that most frequently meet my own. Whenever I look up from the monitor, and I do that a lot, they’re right there. And that’s where they will stay, just like Taiyo himself will forever stay in that very special place in my heart.

I hate to think about tomorrow morning, when I’ll get up and read my LJ friends page and the forums and all that. There will be people all over the place, saying how much they hate Johnny for doing this to Taiyo. I don’t want to hear about it.

I have no reason to believe that it was anything but Taiyo’s very own decision to leave Johnny’s. I have no reason to believe that JE would let Shoon stay and make Taiyo leave. Until I’m told otherwise I’ll believe that both Shoon and Taiyo were told that Ya-Ya-yah would be disbanded and that they could either stay with Johnny’s, or leave. Shoon decided to stay. Taiyo decided to leave. And if it was his decision we have to respect it. This is not the end of the world. Other people have left Johnny’s, and it turned out it was probably the smartest thing they ever did.

Earlier this year I made a video for Taiyo’s 16th birthday, and I’m posting it here again today because it totally pisses me off that while the HSJ PV I uploaded to Dailymotion has been viewed 222,586 times in 5 weeks Taiyo’s birthday video has been viewed less than a thousand times in 11 months. Then again, this blog didn’t have nearly as much readers in January as it has now. So here it is again, for all who haven’t seen it yet and for all who’d like to see it again.

Sayonara Taiyo. My life, as well as the world of Johnny’s, will be a little less bright without you. But I hope you will go on living a happy life of your own, and that all your dreams, whatever they may be, will come true.

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