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Don’t ask me what’s wrong. I don’t know. Sometimes ridiculously small things, that on a normal day you’d just shrug off, keep nagging at you for no apparent reason. Sometimes several of them just pile up into a wall that seems unsurmountable. On a normal day you’d just walk around that wall, but sometimes that wall is creating a circle around you. You can’t go back, you can’t go forward, can’t go to the left or to the right. So you end up spinning around, getting dizzy, looking for a way out that just doesn’t seem to be there unless you rediscover your ability to fly or that pouch of pixie dust that Tinkerbell once left for you but you forgot where you put it. It’s not that I don’t believe I can fly. I believe I can. But what’s the point of flying when all it helps you do is to be able to look down at all the crap that you have to get back down to anyway?

Sometimes life just sucks.

There are so many things that should make me happy. Chatting with Akaru for two hours, in private with nobody else around, and learning things about him I never knew. Having a friend of mine sending me excerpts of things she’s written, a friend that when she was 12 and I already in my 20s, sitting at my desk writing my first novel and when I looked up from my computer I would see her walk to school in the morning and back home in the afternoon and I wondered what’s going on in that person and now she’s 27 and my best friend and she shares awesome thoughts with me that somehow make me proud of her even though I probably don’t have anything to do with her having become the person she is. Watching Shoon and Keito on Hyakushiki, and Shoon on Sweet Den of Premiere, knowing that I’ll be returning to Japan this summer after two years, listening to Arashi’s new album which I love, knowing that Hey!Say!JUMP will release their 2nd single soon, and a live DVD, the CM of which played on TV four fucking times since I started writing this entry, all these things should make me the happiest little boy in the world.

But they don’t.

Something is missing, and I don’t know what it is. I have one or two ideas what it might be, but I’m not sure. And if I’m right I can’t do anything about them anyway, which renders me even more helpless and even more desparate. Maybe I should just lay down on my bed and have pubescent boys sing and dance for me. Yeah, I guess that’s what I’m gonna do right now.

Comments are disabled for this post. I know you all mean well, but if there’s one thing I can’t stand then it’s people pitying me, or even worse, trying to help me when they don’t even know what the problem is. I don’t need any help, don’t want any help. When I’m in a pissy mood I usually want to be left alone so I can deal with it because, quite frankly, the person best equipped to deal with my own misery is me. But don’t worry, I’ll be fine. Sooner or later I’ll be fine again.

But tonight I just want to indulge in my spring depression. I need that.